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Accident prone

I’m sure you’ve all heard the term ‘most accidents happen at home’. Well, I think I’m the living proof that’s the case. At home alone, I’ve broken my arm, slipped a disc in my back, dislocated my collarbone, and sprained my ankle. Don’t ask how these accidents happen, I’m just clumsy. The ankle sprained happened twice! Melbourne’s best podiatry clinic had to treat my ankle. Unfortunately, the ankle is a part of the body that if you injure it badly once it will struggle to heal back to its full capacity. Now it is constantly fragile and the slightest slip can cause it to dislocate or re-sprain itself. It’s actually a huge hassle.

Does anyone else remember when Melbourne had all these water restrictions and it was recommended that you carry buckets of water from the bath or laundry to water your plants? I was one of the people who religiously followed this rule. I’m not exactly the strongest lady ever, so when I was carrying these buckets I had to really concentrate. One particular day I was rushing and the water spilled out of the bucket and onto the floor as I was walking down the steps in my backyard. The water caused me to slip and sprain my ankle really badly. It took months to heal and never healed properly. Then a year later I was jogging lightly and somehow misjudged a curb while crossing the road. I landed weirdly and re-sprained the same ankle. The podiatrist believed that there was a good possibility that had I not had the first injury, the second injury wouldn’t have happened. Now I constantly wear ankle support insoles to try prevent further injuries and to promote healing.

I doubt my ankle will ever be back to normal but if the insole stops me from constantly spraining it again and again over time then so be it. As someone who really enjoys running, I find that having a sprained ankle has impacted my ability to keep fit and stay active. 

My European Mechanic

I’ve got this really funny mechanic named Flavio. He’s easily my favourite mechanic I’ve ever had. Every time I need car repairs, he has a funny story to tell about his life back in Europe. Honestly, I like hanging out with Flavio so much that I’ve considered deliberately getting car damage so that I can just have a chat with him. The last time I was there, he joked that I should just ask him out on a date. Classic Flavio. I feel sorry that you can’t know Flavio as I do. He’s seriously the best European car mechanic in my area. He’s a European car mechanic in multiple ways, as well. Because he’s European, but he also works on European cars! Because I feel so sorry for you, dear reader, I’m going to share four things about my friend, Flavio.

  1. Flavio likes to collect old music records, even though he doesn’t have a record player and has no plans to get one. Apparently, he just uses them as coasters for his coffee, while he’s completing engine diagnostics and other mechanic-y things. Classic Flavio!
  2. My awesome car mechanic loves to practice yoga on the weekends! You wouldn’t expect it from a man like him, but you can see that it really pays off. He’s in great shape, especially for someone his age. I’ve asked where he does yoga and whether I could join him, but apparently, he just does it using videos online.
  3. This one is really crazy, but Flavio believes that cows are often abducted by aliens in their space shuttles! He reckons he’s seen it happen on multiple occasions. How strange is that? If you want a mechanic close to Frankston who knows what’s going on in the world, Flavio’s your man.
  4. Flavio is afraid of train tunnels. I know, that’s a pretty strange fear, but he says that he absolutely can’t go anywhere near them. Every time he’s going to take a train, he first checks to make sure it doesn’t go under a tunnel.

There you go. Hopefully, that gives you a good idea of how cool Flavio is. Hopefully, you will get to meet him yourself, one day.

History of Conveyancing

Today is my first day lecturing at the University of Conveyancing, and I’m really nervous. I’ll be teaching the History of Conveyancing class. I’ve prepared a script for the first few minutes, and I’d love to know what you all think. Please tell me that it’s good. Alright, here we go.

Listen up you no-good, worthless snail-lickers, my name is Thompson Ryan, and I’ll be your lecturer this semester. Today, we’re going to be learning about the absolute basics of conveyancing. We won’t be talking about what the best conveyancing practices in the Richmond area are. We won’t even be thinking about that, so get it out of your heads. Today I’ll be answering the simple question: what is conveyancing and where did it start? 

Let’s start at the beginning. Conveyancing began way back in the 1300s when a nobleman by the name of Sir Thomas Cooper decided that he wanted to buy the property of a local peasant. In order to assure that the process was done legally, he told his court accountant to learn all about property purchasing laws. Thus, the first-ever conveyancer was created. I don’t care how fake that sounds, that is the exact and true story of how conveyancing was invented, according to this university’s curriculum. If you want to pass my class, you’d best put that to memory.

I’m sure you’re wondering all about my personal connection with conveyancing. Well, listen up, you chocolate-coated tissue-eaters. I worked for years in the industry of conveyancing. Prahran was my suburb of choice. Do you want to guess how many houses I have been involved in the sale of? Over five hundred. If you ever want to get close to those numbers, you’d better pay attention, because History of Conveyancing is the most important class you will ever take. Are you ready, kids? Good, let’s get learning, then. 

So, loyal reader, what do you think? Am I going to blow this class away with my awesome lecturing ability? Let me know in the comments!

Flower Trouble Solution

Has this ever happened to you? What’s that? You can’t actually see me because I’m typing on a website, rather than in a video? Dang, that’s really going to ruin this pitch of mine. Well, I’ll try my best to get it across by text.

Has this ever happened to you? You walk along the street in your fancy suit, after a long and tiresome day at the office, in the heart of the city, wherever you live. You’re just about ready to get on a train, throw on a podcast and relax on the long hour home. But then, all of a sudden you notice a beautiful stand, filled with every kind of flower you can imagine. Daffodils, daisies, desert roses and more. You realise that you haven’t done anything nice for your wife in a while, and she does really love flowers, so you go and ask if they have any standard roses for sale. They’re a flower stand, so of course, they have roses for sale, silly. You grab this beautiful bouquet of roses and head onto the train with your headphones in, listening to the latest episode of Monster Hunters or whatever podcast you’re into.

Oh no! Your foot got caught in the gap between the platform and the train! Although you aren’t in any real danger, your roses are now sprawled all over the train floor, and a guy with muddy boots is jumping all over them! You can’t possibly give these to your wife! What are you going to do?

Boy, do I have a solution for you. Did you know that in this glorious day of the internet, you can actually buy seeds online? You can buy flowers too! Isn’t that amazing?  Well, I mean, technically it will probably take you longer than walking up to a stand that you were close to anyway, but you won’t have to worry about transporting them home, which was the whole point! What are you waiting for? Make your wife’s day and buy some flowers on the internet!

Missed Buying Opportunity

The last time I spoke to you guys, I was talking about my control issues and how my husband wants to hire a buyer’s advocate to act on our behalf to help us when buying our first home. I understood where my husband was coming from and appreciated

 that he was trying to help me, but it was just too much for me at the time.

I needed baby steps, like letting my husband fill up our car with petrol instead of doing it myself or letting him choose the meal we serve to guests on a Saturday night. These types of things would’ve been hard for me in general, which goes to show just how hard letting a buyer’s advocate in Malvern East (or wherever we choose) take over the buying process. I just can’t fathom letting someone make such life-altering decisions on my behalf.

So, unfortunately, this isn’t a happy story about how my husband persevered and I decided that a buyer’s advocate would be a good idea. In fact, it’s actually a story about how upset I was that I didn’t end up listening to my husband. I understand pragmatically that I messed us up by not going with a buyer’s advocate. The proof is in the pudding. 

We found our dream home and it went to auction. I was there in control of what we did on auction day, and it turned ou

t that all my best efforts were useless. Despite how in control I was, and how sure I was of my decisions, I got beaten out for the property by a buyer’s advocate. Malvern, as it turns out, is our dream suburb to live in, and I messed it up and we won’t be living there any time soon.

I wish I was able to listen to my husband. I love him dearly and I do trust him, it’s just my own personal issues that get in the way.

Punching Balustrades

This is really bad. Really, seriously bad. I totally underestimated the power of Death-Jitsu. It wasn’t supposed to go like this, but I’m in big trouble now. All I wanted was to teach my friends what it was like to be punched all the time because I’m always losing at Punches, a game where we punch each other and the loser has to do some undesirable task. I went and trained under a master of Death-Jitsu, who taught me how to deliver an awesome punch of extreme power.

So what’s the problem? I just used that awesome, super-powered punch on a glass balustrade and accidentally broke it. And this wasn’t just any glass balustrade, but a glass balustrade that has been there for hundreds of years. It’s basically a relic.

Somehow, I don’t think there are any businesses for glass repair near Melbourne that can fix the mess I’ve made. They don’t even make this type of glass any more. My boss is totally going to notice, and then I’m super fired. I just wanted to be good at Punches like everyone else!

Maybe I can find some sort of martial art that helps you magically fix broken glass. If I can master that in a few hours, maybe I’ll be able to fix the stair balustrade, and then my boss won’t be able to tell me off or fire me.

Either way, I’ll have to be more careful with my Death-Jitsu moves. No more destroying random property. I’ll just walk up to my friends, challenge them to a game of Punches, destroy them, and then never use my martial arts moves again.

As for the balustrade, well I doubt I’m going to find a magical solution. I’ll just have to keep my boss away from it until enough time has passed that nobody can blame me for the damage. Yeah, that’s probably my best bet. Well, I’d better get started.

Office Designing Games

I can’t believe my boss has asked me to set up the chairs for our big party today. My friend and I always get stuck with the most boring, most mind-numbing tasks, because the office manager doesn’t trust us with the more exciting stuff. Why can’t we go pick up the cake or set up the decorations? But no, he’s just like “Okay, Michael and Riley, go set up the chairs or you’re fired!” Well, maybe I want to get fired. Maybe I don’t want this lousy job if all I get to do is set up the chairs.

So what, we got a commercial office design company near Melbourne to make our office look nice. Big deal. I could have done that in my sleep. All we needed was a fresh coat of paint on the walls. Alright, I’ll admit that the office does look pretty nice now, but do we really need to throw a party to celebrate? That seems a bit excessive if you ask me.

Obviously, Michael and I haven’t bothered to set up the chairs yet. What’s it going to take? Probably like five minutes. The party isn’t for a few more hours, so we’ve been slacking off by playing old arcade games we found in the company garage. Funnily enough, there’s one where you work to complete commercial office fitouts around Melbourne. I played that for about five minutes before getting bored. But then I found a game called Obliterator of Worlds, so obviously, I had to try that. It was out of order, but I managed to mess with the wires a bit and get it working. Michael is being a total buzzkill, suggesting that we set up the chairs before playing the game, but I’m not buying it. He wants to play this game just as much as I do.

What’s the worst that could happen? A sentient monster comes straight out of the game and tries to destroy our office? Seems unlikely. If Michael wants to get rid of the fun, maybe he should go back to playing Melbourne Office Designers 2.

Office Bandit’s Wife

I’m well aware that Bandit has broken his promise to forgo his life of crime after we got married. And you know what? I’m totally fine with it. At least he’s doing something to help people this time. The local news has reported that with all these Melbourne office break ins, nothing has been stolen or damaged. Yes, Bandit is technically breaking and entering (without the breaking, so I guess it’s trespassing), but as far as I’m concerned it’s a victimless crime. I mean, have you seen the offices he’s designing? They look fantastic.

No doubt the employees of the various businesses that Bandit is “attacking” really appreciate the change of appearance. The news wants to paint him as this villain who is breaking the law and needs to be stopped, but Bandit is just a true Melbourne office design guru. He could be out there smashing glass, but he’s channelled his destructive nature into something positive. I’m actually really proud.

And yes, I know that he thinks I don’t know about this. For some reason, he honestly believes that I don’t read his blog posts (I know for a fact that he doesn’t read mine because I haven’t told him about it), and it does make me a little sad that he feels he needs to go behind my back with this. I just hope the next time he makes a special office space design in the Melbourne area, he feels comfortable telling me about it. He’s always said he wanted to make an office with a space theme, so I would like to be somewhat involved if he’ll let me be.

We’re together forever now, so I do wish he’d trust me a bit more. I understand though. He’s afraid that I’ll be angry, that I’ll think he’s slipped back into a life of crime. I can’t be angry with him, though. Not after everything we have been through together. Not only are we a married couple, but we’re also survivors of Next Top Office season two, and that’s something that keeps people bound for all eternity.– Frankie

Adoring Roses

Emily, you tanned beautiful rose lover you. My dear Emily was a few years older than me and that really made all the difference. In my eyes, she was on the highest pedestal and could do no wrong. I met her on a foreign island and she danced among the coconuts as if they were clouds and sipped the local rum as if it was nectar. She took a shine to me instantly and in many ways made me her protégé. I stood out amongst all of her minions as a clear favourite. I had of course interpreted this as romantic so I bought her the most beautiful climbing roses I could find on the island and left it on her pillow with a note expressing my admiration and lust for her. Emily did not feel the same. I was crushed. It was as if she had swooped from the pedestal and stabbed me with fiery daggers.

I couldn’t recover. Of course, she was completely angelic about the whole thing and apologised incessantly for giving me the wrong impression. Oh Emily, why didn’t you let me hate you. She said it was the finest hybrid tea roses she had ever seen. Turns out she loves roses but had been unable to find them on the island. I showed her where I bought them from online and said I would happily pick some up for her.  I would gladly give her all the roses on the entire island for just one kiss. She politely and perfectly said she wouldn’t want to give me a kiss and exacerbate my feelings because she knows she will never feel the same. God the pain, the pain was tangible. She told me her heart belonged to someone else. Someone else that she is currently engaged to. She said it would be unfair of her to pretend that she had the space to love someone else because she knows that no amount of roses would change her feelings.

New Energy Drink

Would you believe me if I told you there was a great new energy drink on the market today? I know how crazy you people go for a new drink that will give you the energy you need to get through the day, so why not go with the best of the best: Solar Solutions. 

It might sound made up, but I can assure you that Solar Solutions is a very real, very good energy drink. My name is Todd Margey, the head spokesperson and marketing specialist for Commercial Solar Solutions. My expertise in this area of business means you can absolutely trust me when it comes to energy drinks. I’m telling you, Solar Solutions is the best. I can’t stop drinking the stuff. I’ve already had ten cans today, available at only $3 each. With $30 you could buy yourself a nice meal out on the town, or you could buy ten cans of Solar Solutions and have all the energy you need to do whatever you want.

Do you want to write a book? Do you want to run a marathon? Anything is possible after drinking Solar Solutions. Disclaimer: not everything is possible. If you want to pick up the moon and bowl it across the solar system, Solar Solutions won’t help you do that.

Addicted to your new favourite energy drink? Just stop by one of our stations for commercial energy monitoring near Melbourne, or any other city for that matter. They’ll run a quick test and recommend how many Solar Solutions you should be drinking (pro tip: it’s almost always more). 

Just trust me, you’re going to love this stuff. You’ll be hooked from the first sip. This stuff is so great that we just got a massive order from North Korea. They love Solar Solutions over there. The delivery address is their nuclear weapons program, so their top scientists must go crazy for this stuff.